Kung bakit

Aalis na ako dito sa blogger kasi hindi ko sya matweak ng maayos, hindi ko gamay ang settings. gagamitin ko na lang ang account na ito para makapagcomment sa mga blogger na aking mababasa.

Kung gusto nyo akong matagpuan, andito lang ako sa aking blog since i was 15(beat that)


http://www.xanga.com/melancholy_of_a_white_rose

kung gusto nyong ilink ko kayo sa blog ko sa xanga, magsabi lang kayo friends okay?

malapit na akong mawala sa friendster blog, tatapusin ko lang idelete ang ilang tao.

ayaw ko ng patago-tago ako, ayaw ko ng palipat-lipat dahil hindi ko alam kung ano ang iiwan.

dyan na lang ako, sa aking unang mahal :)

time-less

I am always haunted by my impermanence, the thought that I could just crack up, collapse or disintegrate weighs heavily upon my chest and clogs most of my everyday thoughts. How my actions today will be insignificant a hundred years or so from now and how undignified and absurd my existence is, all because I am thrown into the world without a clue and I will leave it without knowing where the final destination is. No traveler in this life could ever comeback to tell his tale and we don’t know why. Time, is like someone running in amuck, screaming and destroying everything he could get his hands into. Their only difference is: a person could show a little shame about his behavior but time is a relentless beast devouring everything without the slightest touch of remorse. I am afraid of dying because I don’t know what will happen next. To believe in life after death will surely make things a lot bearable for me but what if, just what if-death is just the “end” of it all, the ceasing of one’s life and nothing more? I am afraid of getting old, of seeing wrinkles on my body and feeling weak and helpless, this is not so much about vanity rather of my fear to see the decay and disintegration in my body, a signal that one day I will eventually cease to exist and I will not matter anymore. I don’t want to be immortal because it will take away the essence and meanings of things. If all will be here forever, why should we give a damn anymore? Everything will be cyclic and boring. Morality will have no meaning and even existence.

Everything is chaotic inside my mind. I try to calm myself by looking at my surroundings and “instilling” that there is a great architect that makes all of this possible. Yes, I believe in a supreme being but I do not depend on it. I simply cannot anchor everything to it. I need to take some things into my hands. I need the concept of god to calm me down and to provide some explanations about my questions. Hence, I think the concept of god exists because we human beings need it. We need something larger than us, who will be there to provide answers and a little sense to this chaos.This is exactly what is happening to me.

I want to believe that god put me here on earth because I need to hurdle the obstacles ALL BY MYSELF and to use whatever gifts and talents he has given me to survive and reach my ideal SELF. I do not pray anymore because I believe that the human spirit would suffice that if there is one thing the world needs that would be Compassion+Action. I think the highest form of love is not divine love but compassion to your co-human beings and all the living things here on earth.

But despite all of these thoughts, I still feel desperate about not having enough time here on earth, about no-second chances, about the absurdity of it all. I really wish that I had not been born at all if he will just take my life away that easily.

Oh how I hoped I could shut away these thoughts. How I hoped that I could go on with my life just like the majority who are content with what the world has to offer. But my soul craves something beyond that, something I cannot comprehend up to now. It can be the question I will take to my grave.

No my friends, I cannot stop thinking about these things no matter how hard I try to evade the questions. I will always be like this, not because I like it this way but this just the way I am. Who wants to feel senseless and desperate? I think nobody would want to but there are certain things that we can’t control just like the passing of time.

religious tolerance

If there is one thing the world badly needs that would be religious tolerance. I was riding the bus home when I overheard a couple discussing when should they baptize their baby. The scene fired a thousand thoughts inside me and woke-up my long held disbelief in religious practices. I got worried and scared that in this country where religious dogmatism is the name of the game, people like me have no chance at all to join the club. My father said that I wasted my 12 years of Catholic education and upbringing, and if my mother were still alive she will surely call me heretic. I don’t believe that Jesus is god or Allah or Buddha or Shiva. I don’t believe that God possesses a name. I don’t believe that I need to go to mass to save my soul or to confess to cleanse my sins. I don’t believe in the 7 sacraments. I don’t believe that the pope is infallible or the church is the real shepherd of the people. In the first place, the catholic hierarchy is so sexist and hypocrite. I think they have perfected the art of sophisticated chauvinism. Why won’t they allow women to be priest? Because no matter how much they try to sugarcoat it, their concept of god is male. And for a religion that says it promotes “equality” they are being inconsistent if not hypocrite. Why won’t the Catholic Church allow same sex marriage? It is because they are sexist and very traditional and backward thinking. Can you stereotype love? Who are you to dictate who should we love? Homosexual or Heterosexual relationship we should embrace them because love knows no gender. Do you believe that God could be so close-minded not allow love to prosper because they will not be able to “reproduce”. Their concept of God is very limited. And I am just being honest.

I am sure I will catch the ire of some in this entry but this is my opinion and beliefs. Religious talk is really a sticky issue and few can discuss it with an open mind. I am all for religious tolerance and respect because too much misunderstanding and conflict have already arise because of narrow-minded people who insist that their religion is superior over the other. Why can we just accept each other regardless of religion?

I remember this instance when I was still attending a “fellowship” here in UPLB. The speaker gave his opening prayer saying “Let us pray for our Hindu, Buddhist and Muslim brothers that they may be enlightened to see Christ as their real God”

Whatthefuck are you talking about? I swear I almost walked out of the room. From then on, I gave up trying to find a religion that will fit me and will not go against my reason and rationale. Faith and Reason should not go against each other and that I think is the main reason why god gave you something between your shoulders. He doesn’t want blind followers.

sa mga nagmahal sa akin, nagmamahal at sa mga magmamahal pa

salamat sa pagbati nyo sa akin ngayon!

pakiramdam ko ako ang sentro ng mundo ngayong araw na ito

tumanda nanaman si SARAH

It’s my birthday next week. One thing I like most about birthdays is the assessment that comes with it. When you reassess you life, you see the worthless things you’ve done, the things you need to improve and the necessary adjustments and changes. I finally learned the difference between assimilating and accommodating something into your life. There is a big big difference between the two.

I think I’ve reached the point where I no longer see the thrill or satisfaction in short-term relationships. Okay, I know I’ve never been a fan of short-term relationship but before I see something positive about it when my friends are into it (the mantra of we-are-so young-we-ought-to-live-life) Right now, however, I do not see anything good about it. Not even for boredom’s sake. Not even for your own preservation against the curse of your tedious monotonous life. I will not accommodate this kind of relationship in my life, no excuses allowed.

It is ironic that I am living on the same principle like that of my friends, we-are-so young-we-ought-to-live-life. But my take is very different from them, it is basically the fact that I am young that I ought not just live and accommodate every experiences that I meet along the road. I need to live by the quality of my experiences and not just by quantity alone, for how can I enrich myself if almost everything is in contractual basis. Something must last in my life.

For me, your relationships define who you are and the way you see yourself. If you allow your partner to maltreat you, take you for granted or put you in his least priority. It reflects the way you see yourself. If you value yourself well enough, show him the door right away. Self-respect and self-love are the most important things to keep intact when you are in a relationship.

Short-term relationship if not exhausting is a total waste of time. I have a friend who had 3 boyfriends in 2 months. Sometimes her relationship would last only for a week. Is it as easy like when one changes clothes? She is tired and we all know it.

He is you partner now, tomorrow you will find him in another’s arm. You burn the telephone lines till the wee hours of the morning, text each other till your thumb nails turn blue but who will he be tomorrow? Some stranger’s face in the crowd of multitude.

Commitment is the thing I valued the most. I try to honor the word with my efforts to remain true to it. When someone commits to make the relationship work, to make it last, how could you ask for more? The effort is what counts.

Life is so short. We should not be wasting each other’s time.

Here is a poem I would like to share with you, guys. It is one of my favorites.

the lesson of the moth
By Don Marquis, in "archy and mehitabel," 1927

Don Marquis was a newspaper columnist who wrote poems that he pretended were written by a cockroach named archy. Archy supposedly lives in the newsroom. At night Archy types poems and leaves them on the boss’ desk. Since Archy is too small to use the shift key on the typewriter at the same time that he uses a letter key, he can’t make capital letters. He also, with no excuse, is careless about punction.

i was talking to a moth

the other evening

he was trying to break into

an electric light bulb

and fry himself on the wires

why do you fellows

pull this stunt i asked him

because it is the conventional

thing for moths or why

if that had been an uncovered

candle instead of an electriclight bulb you would

now be a small unsightly cinder

have you no sense

plenty of it he answered

but at times we get tired

of using it

we get bored with the routine

and crave beauty

and excitement

fire is beautiful

and we know that if we get

too close it will kill us

but what does that matter

it is better to be happy

for a moment

and be burned up with beauty

than to live a long time

and be bored all the while

so we wad all our life up

into one little roll

and then we shoot the roll

that is what life is for

it is better to be a part of beauty

for one instant and then cease to

exist than to exist forever

and never be a part of beauty

our attitude toward life

is come easy go easy

we are like human beings

used to be before they became

too civilized to enjoy themselves
and before i could argue him

out of his philosophy

he went and immolated himself

on a patent cigar lighter

i do not agree with him

myself i would rather have

half the happiness and twice

the longevity
but at the same time i wish

there was something i wanted

as badly as he wanted to fry himself

archy

...at ang maraming bagay

melancholy is the infection that i brought to this family. whenever i would try to recall where did i get it, i will always have a vision of a child just staring at the wall or looking at the clouds at sunset. from my earliest memory, i have always been like this. i try to cover-up the loneliness, the isolation by putting a happy facade. by simply meeting the image they have conjured for me. and now my brother is being devoured by that same melancholy that ate my childhood. i read my brother's blog. it was heartbreaking to read all of it, i found a mirror of myself. it seems to me that the turning point of our lives was when mama died. i wish i could take away my brother's sadness. he is too young and delicate to suffer all of these things. nothing could break my heart than my brother's sadness. he is so young to get tired of life. tanginang buhay talaga ito, bakit kapatid ko pa. ang daming demonyo dyan sa paligid.

dati kapag tatawagin ako ng mga kalaro ko at ayaw kong lumabas, sasabihin ni mama "may sumpong si sarah, bukas na lang" minsan naman kapag bigla na lang akong magkukulong sa kwarto sasabihin nila "tinotoyo nanaman, kulang tlaga, pebrero kasi"

hindi ko alam bakit nila kinokonek ang birthday ko sa pagiging sumpungin ko, pero lumaki na akong yun ang explanation nila sa aking kakaibang ugali. kulang daw kasi ang buwan ng pebrero kaya ang pinanganak sa buwan na ito ay kulangkulang din.

hindi ko alam kung sinara lang nila ang isip nila o talagang naniniwala sila na ang mga pinanganak ng pebrero ay sumpungin. pero isa raw ako sa katibayan.

as much as i would like to think that my childhood was normal may mga pangyayari pa rin na nagpapaweird dito. minsan naiisip ko.. yun na ba yung tinatawag nyong childhood? yun na ba talaga? fake ata yung saken.

Since boredom advances and boredom is the root of all evil, no wonder, then, that the world goes backwards, that evil spreads. This can be traced back to the very beginning of the world. The gods were bored; therefore they created human beings.
- Soren Kierkegaard


did not go home this week. so, the whole apartment is mine because all my housemates went home. it is actually refreshing to have the apartment all by yourself. i had a lunch last friday with ma’am ong. every talk with her is a ‘direction-setter’. i just slumped myself on the bed and read disgrace by j.m coetzee. did not find it exceptional even though he is a noble prize laureate. i thought i was going to spend my night just reading alone but Adrian asked me to give him a hand on his one-act play. so, he came over and we discussed about it. i know i am not so much of a help when it comes to playwriting(or any writing chi-chi) but i tried to help him with all my capacity and limitations. as of this writing, he is in pansol, undergoing workshops for his play. he is with jas and ilia. i wish you all the best, guys!( ok, the sounds so cliché, No-no in writing)

my day started today at 5pm. i was so lazy to get up from bed. i just ate the potato chips I bought last night for me and Adrian, for my breakfast and lunch. I woke-up at 7am, got back to bed at 10. woke up again at 1 and then I read read and read. Took a bath at 7pm, went outside to buy myself a decent meal. My first decent meal of the day, consists of rice, fried chicken and iced tea. I consumed a pack of mentos while watching pedro penduko. If it weren’t for this goddam fieldtrip this sunday, i am probably happy at home, dozing in my bed, or staring at my window. i usually cook during weekends, i know i am very good at cooking. so even though i am a cowgirl with no sign of finesse and grace, my father is still proud of me because i cook very well. but today, i don’t even want to boil hot water to cook instant noodles. who wants to cook for herself alone?

i don’t want to spend my time anymore contemplating on how to kill this somebody. i just realized that i should never go down to her level. Pathetic is too kind a word to describe her. She is simply way lower than a pathetic loser. why should i drain my energy over her? she is the one who is in the losing end. a friend will surely find the revelations worthy of “stranger than fiction” award.

i will face you anytime, anywhere. i will be thrilled to see your contorted face. You poser! Everything will be revealed, it is just a matter of time.

another thing, i realized that prince charming is a loser, who needs to have an ego massage every now and then.

i am not a masseuse.

no wonder, i have no date this valentine.

happy single awareness day!